we’re in cancun and the ocean sounds splash and the seagulls cry, peach sky, and we’re sitting on our bed not speaking.
a day in the sun, a day against froth of wave and whir of tire and barter and grovel before mexican shopkeepers and children needing shoes and others needing clothes and the houses falling down and all i can do is weep and all he can do is silence
and it’s water from my eyes, “how?”
turn to husband of eight years and he’s playing with wedding ring. “how can you see it all, this all, and not be moved?"
i shrivel inside the words. “this brokenness and you—where is yours? where are your tears? doesn’t it make you feel?”
the wind lifts curtains yellow, they move like the hem of a dress and he sighs but i’m not finished.
“i will never leave you, trenton, but part of me feels as though you’ve already left me.”
and i see it in his eyes. the way they crease-skin and wet pupil.
“i’m trying to protect you,” he whispers. “you feel so much pain, it scares me; so i try to protect you by pretending these things don’t move me. but they do. you know those babies in the grass? how i said it was okay? i know it really wasn’t. but you were already hurting so much…”
curtain shifts between us and glass, panes of glass. i touch his arm, warm. “i love you for that,” i say. “i understand now.”
fingers, palm. “but don’t be afraid to be broken.” pleading, now. “i want a partner, not a protector. i feel stronger if you’re feeling the pain too. we can share it. we can share the pain.”
ocean and sky collide in dusk and we sit on our bed the world on our shoulders and we’re not speaking
and it’s okay
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(this, our last day in mexico... flying home tomorrow; looking forward to reading your prose upon my return, friends)
53 comments:
that's how i was imagining you two, there... i love you.
"Let our hearts break provided they break together," wrote C.S. Lewis. Sounds like you have a good man to both share and guard your broken heart. Welcome back.
How wondrous to spend you life with a kindred spirit...
Thank you for honesty. I, so often, perfect-ify (yes, I made that up) all the women bloggers out there that encourage me with words so beautiful that I forget their lives are real, too, and they have all those broken moments, like me. And I so badly need to find community in the broken places, too, that I really delight in the open hearts of all those broken moments, shared.
Thank you, again.
The art of carrying pain together. I never knew it would be so hard and so great a task as to engulf us completely, like being born together.
Protector and partner, you're both, both.
My guy sounds a like lot your Trent. Mike feels deeply but it doesn't show the same.And sometimes when I'm up he's down..heavenly balance thank God for it otherwise we'd both sink and drown.
beauty...layers within layers
thanks EW
Emily, it's words like yours that transformed the way I write. It's why I write in and for this community - and only this community. God bless your hubs for being what you need - and you for being what he cherishes.
You have shifted my perspective -- as one who was not protected as a child, I crave protection. But, I can see now, through your words, that partnership might be even more freeing that the protection I desire.
You are a great connector and open spirit. I like how you said you don't need protection. It is natural, I think, to want to protect someone, but maybe what they really need is for us to acknowledge the pain and connect.
oh so beautiful emily...such protectors our husbands are.
Tender as always Emily...yes the brokenness really is ok, even if the suffering is not.
lovely...hope you are having fun...a partner not a protector...i like that...
Beautiful as always, and so profound as well. It's amazing that when we feel something so strongly, we expect others to react and show their feelings in the same way. But, there is something to be said about someone who loves you so much that they are willing to be strong because you're not. That's true love.
oh (a gentle sigh)
learning Love. trusting Love. speaking Love. quietly, patiently... making all of life Love, together.
“i want a partner, not a protector. i feel stronger if you’re feeling the pain too. we can share it. we can share the pain.”
Yes. Exactly.
oh sister...this is beautiful--i don't know where you are in 'half the church', but she talks about 'blessed alliances' and this is what you are forging...our hearts don't often manifest the same outwardly, but that deep soul place where we have become one makes it impossible to not somehow embrace the same brokenness in us and the world...
i love all you share about this marriage--it always encourages, challenges and reminds that my beloved and i walk this world with others like you...
My husband had a similar reaction when we were in Mexico. I think that it is hard to deal with the pain sometimes because it is so great in some areas and we want to do more. That is when we do what we can and pray.
I like what you have to say about this because acknowledging the pain leads to compassion and prayer.
Have a blessed week.
strength in the sharing .. and in marriage with family it becomes even more vital .. miss you friend
Raw and powerful. It's hard though, you go away to rest and escape...and there's no escaping is there?
I hope despite all the pain you can find some time to enjoy one another...and Mexico.
We have had an abundance of the "sitting and not speaking" experiences, both the good and bad variety. They are the polar extremes of the marriage experience.
Em, someday I think I will be a better wife for having known you. You seem to meld vulnerablity and honesty well. My protective instinct is to pair honesty with anger. I'm learnin', slowly.
This is why I've never been to Mexico. I just can't handle it.
I can't even handle Downtown. It's not because I'm insensitive, but because I am too sensitive. I don't think it's right for me to avoid the...shadows. I just haven't learned how to deal with them...and maybe I shouldn't be dealing with them. I feel like there's something besides "dealing" that I need to do.
oh, e. every visit here is a resounding "me, too" ... how these men we were given love us -- not according to our requests, but to His provision for us -- and how lucky we are for it.
ryan can't carry the grief i walk now, but his smile is sometimes the only one, and it is a gift. i can't understand it, but i know it, even so, to be a gift.
Oh Emily.. how many times I've misunderstood the heart intentions of others! I pray you find enjoyment in your vacation along with the stark realities of the hard things.
Oh Em. He just wants you to be on vacation and relax and have fun and kiss him and you know.. I've been married a very long time and had marriage therapy and I've learned a thing or two. I wish I could teach it to you. You have such a tender heart for others. Let your heart be tender for him as well.
Selfishly, I'm super glad you're back.
I'm glad you had that time together...sounds good.
hearing this and pondering ...
Love is like that. Just like that.
Mmm... I like that, a partner not a protector. And how those identities mesh and intertwine in marriage and ebb and flow between two.
What a moment... pure poetry.
What tender words from your man...and how understanding of his calling...and your words communicate that mystery of manhood to all readers...
powerful.
Deidra said it well I think Em - that's just the way love is. Our first thought is for the one we love more than our own life.
Great post Emily. Our fear for those we love makes us cover all sorts of things.
Kath
I am so sorry for the sadness there. The sad things you saw. I am happy you have a protector. What a beautiful thing to have.
emily if you just knew what was going on in my heart and life right now. the irony that i would come here tonight & be touched by each and every post.
I have made similar comments to John. And he responds similarly to me: Do you want me to sit here and cry too? And you know what, I don't. But sometimes it is hard to understand how he can live the same stuff and not express pain the same way. beautiful post.
So much pain, so much to hold, as you're trying to live and love and have a place to rest. May you find peace, there, among the poverty and the pain. God is there, too.
Hi Sistah,
I hope your time in Mexico had its moments of joy.
The reality is we are all our own 'protectors.' While you were crying over Mexico, millions were suffering around the rest of the world. We can only handle so much pain at one time and so we shut out the pain that isn't in front of us. 'Each day has enough trouble of its own' and each moment sometimes, too.
'You will always have the poor among you', so may our moments of sadness drive us always to action and our moments with those we love be filled with a joyful embracing of who they are.
I love you and am glad that you have Trent, because there are times when everyone needs protection.
Keith
heartbreaking to read...you, the woman, he, the man...so difficult to be inside each other's skins. to understand, to know the other. To allow each other to just be.
So glad he's there to protect and share with you. Praying you have peace in your heart in spite of all the hurt you've seen with your eyes. If not, then I pray God will show you how He wants you to help.
Partner, not protector. Love is this indeed. We shelter each other by leading each other back to His arms.
Tears flow now, thank you, sweet Emily. Revel in your blessings.
Hello Emily, I'm new here.... having seen many of my blogging friends joining up with you, I decided to stop in myself.
I hope you were able to enjoy some time together..... men do love to protect us don't they? You have a good one.
hmm - you know what - thought about it for a while and think i need both, a partner and a protector..not always easy..thanks for sharing this em
This rings so true for me.
And yet he is given as protector, too. Brokenness is good; shattering is not. There is always a balance. My husband sounds much like yours... and I've needed to learn to be grateful for his steadfastness in the face of suffering, just as he's learned over the years to be more communicative of his deeper thoughts and feelings. May you both find joy in the journey of this learning...
No matter how far you travel, you (and I mean "you" not in the general sense, but in the second-person singular: you, Emily) can never get away from your caring, generous heart. How blessed you are to have Trent as your traveling companion.
Deeply moving and emotionally stirring...and tears.
I am hushed, sweet Emily. I feel like I've stumbled behind a sacred curtain.
it's when you lay yourself open with honesty that any barriers fall away and the love shimmers with a gentle strength.
"but don't be afraid to be broken"... because brokenness is often where the healing begins, and with words of truth and with transparency... Thank you for sharing this. (My first time posting here).
ah, it's such a hard balance.
and I love what Keith said.
I hope you are filling up with Aiden love.
What an intimate portrait... so much feeling. I don't always know how to handle the emotion of my own life so I admire you for being willing to feel it all!
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