i adore men.
i really do.
my husband in particular.
but sometimes they drive me crazy.
to quote one of my favorite people, anne lamott, "part of me loves and respects men so desperately, and part of me thinks they are so embarrassingly incompetent at life and in love. you have to teach them the very basics of emotional literacy. you have to teach them how to be there for you, and part of me feels tender toward them and gentle, and part of me is so afraid of them, afraid of any more violation.”
he asked me to take care of him forever.
i was putting a cool cloth on his forehead, 10 years ago, and him retching a migraine into a bucket when he asked me this, and "of course, babes," i said, til death do us part.
it was so much easier to be sympathetic when we were dating.
now, he throws up and i ask him if he'll kindly clean it up, and could he please be quiet? "i'm trying to work."
why is compassion so easy when it comes to my boys, and so hard when it comes to the man who lets me stick my cold feet on him at night and makes me cheesy nachos and prays over me when i'm having a sad day?
he's been holding me extra tight lately. and me, him. we're holding onto each other like lifeboats... the world swirling around us, and this marriage, the eye of the storm.
and if i don't open my heart to him, if i don't absolutely adore and respect and feel for him what i want to represent to the world, nothing else matters.
this love-tower will crumble and our boys--all four of them, soon--will be trapped in the remains.
so i am learning, slowly, to renew my promise to take care of him, forever--to learn a tender kind of love which poets write of--and to do it with a sympathy that doesn't roll its eyes when he says he's tired (and i've been up all night nursing).
(linking with jen and laura)
30 comments:
Marriage is sure work . . . and it's HARD work . . . and I know my husband & I don't always understand and I am still learning, "that's okay" and God knows my heart and what I really need.
Been thinking of you, especially with your expanding family. Praying for a precious bonding and sweetness.
In the middle of physical and emotional exhaustion, it is sometimes impossible to dredge up those needed words/acts of comfort, even for a much-loved spouse. You are wise to stop for a moment, breathe deeply and lean into Jesus. Your marriage is and will be a rock-like center in the midst of the maelstrom. Praying for you while you breathe, Em.
this is love and marriage, isn't it? 'the eye of the storm', a 'tender love' learnt over years and struggles, and the compassion that needs to be searched out.
Bless you all in this :)
God has given you wisdom on how to hold on and endure any storm that comes your way. Be it a squall or a full blown hurricane your love will withstand with this kind of commitment. Praying for you, Em.
smiles....we are either working on our marriage or it is eroding...there is really no neutral....
we don't work on a marriage so much as we learn and relearn what love is... I have these moments when I remember my first love, when I remember how I used to feel and wonder why I haven't yet felt it.
I am not so vulnerable as I want to be - it's not about my duty and obligation. It's about me, about my heart, about the constant wearing and tearing down of me and God and what I believe about Him and us.
This is when I pray He'll soften me, open my heart up, the heart I didn't even know had closed.
Every day I wonder. Every day I live a paradox, one foot planted in practical reality, one foot stepping toward eternal and the love that lasts beyond faith and hope...
yes.yes.yes...I am learning this all again this season in my life.
ah, as i read this i am listening to "like an avalanche" by hillsong united. "caught up in grace like an avalanche. nothing compares to this love." and somehow, when we embrace this, the giving away of that love becomes, not so much easier, but much more willing. much more able. for it is done in His strength. the realization of what He has done for me. and by that, alone, i am able to extend to those around me. even when i feel there is nothing left in me.
love how you put it all in words, emily. those deepest parts of us all. the struggles and the beauty of the refining. it is what we all seek, is it not? for God to make us more holy. in the everyday. in the ordinary.
and this is our praise.
love,
steph
I've been thinking the exact same thing :)
We need to reach out to each other daily. Our bonds are the foundation stones of family.
...I had to smile at the "and please would you kindly clean that up" comment, I could hear me saying the same thing :)
Sending love and prayers your way...
xx
beautiful...oh yes...to Love our husbands well...first and foremost...through this love our children will find love and security...so easy as a momma to get this flipped...kids first and leftovers for the man...sounds cliche...but this is so true...God...Husband...Kids...when it flows in this direction...the family is full.
Blessings to you sweet lady...
Oh Emily, I have been having so many of these thoughts. So easy to love my little boys, but some days this challenge to love the man I've committed to loving "as long a we both shall live." Your transparency, as always, is encouraging.
My own heart crumbles as I read this! So often I choose to be critical of my wife, instead of attentive to her needs. I will pray for you and your hubby as you make a huge transition!
I have been married for 17 years, and feel like this, too. Thank you for finding words and prayers and focus, I needed it!!! I love your writing so much , and your playlist. I listen to it, all the way from Oklahoma, and it makes cleaning my house a creative, musical experience!!! Thank you again, Angela
oh I totally know. If there's one relationship I constantly fail at, it's my marriage. But then I think about the boys I have who I love so easily and I wish for them to have better wives, and why should they if their mother is mediocre? The sons encourage me to love their father. I love this post, it totally spoke to my own struggle.
Praying for you still. :)
I relate to this so much!
How wise to anticipate this new journey you are about to embark upon together will require something more of you both. And of your relationship. Yes, lean in. And don't let go until the blessing comes.
I love Anne Lamott. *grins*
Men are an enigma -- and sometimes, I just want to say to mine, "really?"
Hugs.
Press through.
beautiful--and so true. glad to know i'm not alone. thanks for sharing, enjoying your blog so far, just subscribed.
I really enjoyed this...thanks for sharing so transparently. Visiting from Jen's SDG sisterhood.
How come it is so much harder to show all love: compassion, patience, encouragement,..everything with our husbands. It saddens me. Yet, it is part of war between the spirit and the flesh.
I too am learning to love my husband anew...
Can I just say that I hear you? I hear you. I. hear. you. Lifting up your family, E.
Love that last part - when he says he's tired and you've been up all night nursing. Been there! Marriage and love in general can be work. You inspire me to work harder and love harder.
Prayer ... so much prayer, and love.
I've been sticking my cold feet on the same man for almost 28 years now. Some times I've loved him better than at other times, but I am so grateful for him. Now that we're moving into the empty nest phase of our marriage, we're starting to think and talk about how to continue to love one another well. You have such a beautiful heart, em. I'm sure there's plenty of poetry going on in your home. Continuing to pray for you and that houseful of men-folk.
Oh, I hear you, Emily!!!
Living in a house full of boys to men has taught me. . . about men. So many people forget Jesus was a man. Adam was the original prototype - and the more I am around them, the more I love them - the more I seek ways to understand men being men - not teaching them to understand women - but to understand how God programmed them to feel, to think, to act - and to see the absolute beauty in the huge differences - and realize, oh, no - I don't want him more like me. Just like you mention - the need to teach these men we love how to interpret women's language - so to do we need to teach ourselves to interpet men's - and when we do - it about takes my breath away - the beauty of it - in a manly way!
My husband used to have migraines:) For us, it's all about temperature and air pressure. I remember him retching and feeling so wrung out:):) Now, my teen feels that way - and it is one of the few times he allows me to minister to him, to comfort him:)
Wishing you blessing Emily. Praying for your family:)
That's beautiful!
oh, Em! so, so true. everything you said. even down to sticking your cold feet on him, oh that part made me cry. i do the same thing every night, and oh that man does so much to hold me up and make my life better, day by day. this has inspired a future post, i think! im priveleged to get to read you. you know how to tap out those words so beautifully. congrats and blessings on the book endeavor!
love and blessings,
Nacole
life boats in a swirling world ...so true ! love to you my friend
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